All right, boys.
Say hello to the TelAmeriCorp time-share,
or, as it's gonna be known this weekend, da freak pad!
- Oh, my God. - (LAUGHS) "Da freak pad."
It is like Cribs up in this bee-yuh.
But like a good one, like Rob Schneider's.
All right, all right. Here's some deets on the crib.
Oh, my goodness.
We've got a washerldryer combo.
- Two beds. - Two beds?
Oh, dude, the clicker?
Got the channel list on the back.
I love when they do that. It's so helpful.
That is so helpful.
Dudes, check it out.
Fully inflated volleyball? Game on!
- Yes! - Hey, speaking of games,
they got Twister up in this bee-yuh.
- Yes! - Hey, if we get girls over,
we should play naked Twister up in this bee-yuh.
- Yeah! - Naughty boy.
Sex Twister makes my dick blister.
(LAUGHING)
Which has happened to me before. I've got a scar.
I got a scar on my dick too.
- Uh-uh. - Yeah, from circumcision.
Want to see it?
- You want to see it? - Yeah.
Okay, great, well, you won't stop asking me about it, so,
might as well show it to you. About to whip it out. (CLEARS THROAT)
(BLOWING LOUDLY)
BOTH: Nah.
You can't really see the blister that well today.
I say we check out the house.
Yeah, let's check out the house... This is nice.
(BEATBOXING)
(SINGING) I'm fresh
You gotta, you gotta You gotta, gotta
Gotta be fresh
Holy shit!
Guys, we have ketchup!
Oh! Oh, dudes!
We're just 500 gallons away from getting warm and 'cuzzi!
'Cause there's a Jacuzzi!
You guys! I found some keys!
I found some car keys!
ALL: Oh!
- That's nasty! - We living the Fiat life, baby!
That is a Fiat!
- Now, that's a Fiat! I'm like, damn! - (BLAKE LAUGHING)
Fiat life!
Dude, we got to pay for the damages.
- What the hell, Adam? - ADAM: I'm such an idiot.
I can't believe I freaking did that!
- Stop! - No more holes.
Oh! Oh, I hit that.
That broke away easily.
- I'm hella strong! - Bad Adam!
That's the dad voice.
More ketchup?
I don't like it. (SNIFFS)
Dude, it is so cool
that we are 11 blocks from the beach.
Honestly, feels like six.
Yeah, it's like, almost walking distance
but not quite, which is perfect for us, right?
- Mmm. - Because we get to set sail
in our lil Fi-yachty.
- "Set sail. Fiat. Yacht." - (LAUGHING)
Fiat. Lil' fiat... Lil yachty.
- Yeah, got it, got it, got it. - Yeah.
Man, it is so cool that Alice let us have this place for free.
- Yeah, she's a DFB. - No.
ADAM: No, I stole the keys.
She doesn't know we're here. Hey, Blake, film me.
- Film what? - I'm gonna...
(SINGING) Ride the stairs and get pitted, so pitted
What'd you do?
(ADAM YELLING)
Ow!
Tell me you got the footy on that one.
No, not at all. I didn't even have my phone out.
You got to wait till I have my phone.
- Huh? - Adam, can you just chill
and stop breaking stuff?
Oh. Chill. And stop breaking things.
That's not gonna get me on Kookslams, now, is it, Ders?
The Instagram surfing page?
It's not just surfing, okay?
Kookslams is about kooks everywhere
wiping out in hilarious and cool fashions
and it'll gain me notoriety, and...
Notoriety... Is it "notoriety"?
Yeah, you're gonna have no-toriety. That's right.
Yeah. What's toriety?
Well, anyways, it'll make me super famous, and I'll get tons of beach babes.
And I'm down for the beach babes,
'cause all I want this weekend is to get a hickey on my neck
so when we go back to the office, everyone's like, "Did you see Ders?
(CHUCKLES) "He had a freakend, for sure."
I know that's important to you.
Okay, so I've taken this all into account,
and I think I know what we're gonna do.
We're gonna go to the beach,
we're gonna pick up some beach babes,
and we're gonna bring them back to this sick little pad
and party rager-style all night.
Love that idea. Let's do it.
Okay, 'cause what I want to do is I want to get some, like,
dank seaweed, and I want to, like,
put it in one of those trumpet shells and smoke it.
It's called a cock shell. I saw that in an underwater porno once.
Little Sperm Maid. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna smoke out of the cock shell.
Also, I want to try seafood for the first time, like shrimp or something.
- Great. - Yes, and...
I really, really, really want to watch the sunset
with you guys preferably.
- Fine. - Good. All that.
- Okay. - Anything else?
Yeah. Let's go play volleyball. Right now.
- Sure. - Okay.
- Awesome. Not like this. - Okay.
Put on your volleyball outfits.
- BOTH: Okay. - Don't ruin this for me.
Dude, you get the best girls ever, dude
Just like you pull in
And you just get skank right out of 'em
Skank right out of 'em
You just drop in, just smack the lip
And after that, you just drop in down
Just drop
Just drop down
Ride the barrel and get in it
Ride the barrel and get...
Got it. Got it.
Got it.
Let's go!
It's hard to turn your back
- Whoo! - It's so much time
Whoo!
You don't know where the road may lead
'Cause in this world, there are no guarantees...
We got you!
You got to run with your dream
Go with the feeling
Run with your dream
Never stop believing
Run with your dream
Run
Run with your dream
(YELLING IN SLOW MOTION)
- Oh! - Yeah!
- Yes! - Brrrap!
- That's what I'm talking about! - (LAUGHTER)
- Yes! - You guys suck!
- Not at volleyball or penises. - Nice.
Yeah, we don't suck either of those. (LAUGHS)
- BLAKE: I won't. - Dudes. Check it out.
Look what the tide dragged in.
Oh, my God.
I got dibs on the blonde one
because she's got those hickey-giving lips.
Those are some HGLs, Dersy.
Congrats on the dibs.
I'm super proud of you for that dibs,
because that looks like a girl who will give a mean hick job.
Yeah.
- Well? Should we? - Shall we?
- Flex up. - Are you serious?
- I'm flexing. - Freaking hot mess right now.
Hey. What's up?
You foxes want next?
ADAM: We can go shirts, skins.
Skins, skins.
We're not wearing shirts, so it has to be one of those two.
- What's up? - No, thanks.
But love the whole Top Gun thing.
The what? Top Chef?
No, we don't watch that, actually. We watch Cake Wars,
- Keeping Up with the Kardashians... - Oh, I love it.
- (ALL LAUGHING) - I love that show.
- Yeah, Iron Chef. - We call ourselves "The Bravo boys."
- (ALL LAUGHING) - BLAKE: We love it.
So, uh, what are you ladies getting into tonight?
We're gonna try and score some molly,
get head massages at the boardwalk.
Yeah, but we'll probably just end up at the Beach Club like always.
Ugh, like always.
Beach Club? Beach Club?
I'm... I'm always ending up there too.
We want to formally invite you to a raging party.
Oh, yeah. You should invite them. It might be a raging party.
Might be a very intimate gathering.
Yeah, we got this, like, really incredible little condo
just a little bit, like, 11 blocks inland.
And if you guys are looking for a head massage,
I got two perfectly good head massagers right here.
- I can attest to that. - ADAM: Yeah. His hands
are really strong.
- God! - Oh.
These chicken doinkers bothering you, Gina?
Jesus, Carson, I'm allowed to have a conversation.
We're just, you know, talking. No one's bothering anybody.
Not a chicken doinker, so.
- Really? - DERS: Nope.
'Cause it looks to me like you freaking chicken doinkers...
Mega freaking chicken doinkers!
...were trying to dominate those three young girls,
and that does bother me.
Did you not see us?
Because we definitely did, fair and square.
They're children. We're grown men.
- We're gonna win. - Well, hey, man, you seem cool,
so, uh, why don't we do things this way?
One game of v-ball.
Us versus you.
You win, we leave.
But if we win, we get your girls.
Dude, they're not, like, property.
Bro, that is so sexist, man.
You're part of the problem.
I just... Saw it in a movie.
Can you just play us for the girls? It's like...
It's, like, an accepted thing that men do.
It's, like, chivalrous. We're like knights of the modern time.
- Duh. - Yeah, so play ball!
Yeah.
I got a better idea.
- No. - What the hell? Are you kidding me?
That's our volleyball from our time-share!
That's gonna cost a fortune!
Looks like a sand crab ate that one too.
Son of a bitch!
Ah!
Fuck!
Oh!
Oh, he got kookslammed.
Ders, hey, film this.
I'm about to go viral.
The ball!
Did you get the footy?
No, I don't have my phone! I left it in the car!
I've been eating a lot of data lately!
Lot of kelp!
You can't go for a swim in jeans!
Uh, speak for yourself.
Pretty sure a j-nats two-fly champion's
not gonna have a problem.
Come here! I got you!
- (GASPING) - Come here! I got you!
I said kelp! "A lot of kelp!"
But I might need help. I think I'm drowning.
The jeans! They're weighing me down!
We got to peel down. Get the jeans off.
(SCREAMING)
- Okay, hold on! Guys, hold each other! - (YELLS)
Grab my hand!
- Let the current take us! - (ADAM SCREAMS)
- Oh! - Ders!
Let the tide take us? Uh, I'm...
We're on dry land. You're welcome.
Small dicks are the new regular-size dicks.
Yeah, it's 'cause of the energy drinks.
Right, yeah, the taurine.
Taurine is making America's dicks small.
Oh, my balls and my dick fit in it.
Oh, this feels great!
(BEATBOXING)
What?
We got to find clothes now.
- Yeah. - ADAM: Right there. Let's grab those.
Wait. Wait, wait, wait. Adam.
- What kind of clothes are these? - Doesn't matter. Just grab 'em.
What the hell?
- Get your butt off my butt! - Shut up!
"Doesn't matter. Just grab it."
(SCOFFS)
What? I like my outfit, actually.
I look like ScHoolboy Q.
Oh, my God. This sucks.
Sunset is in, like, two hours,
I don't have a damn shrimp to my name,
and now I have a bunch of pubic hair in this conch.
You know what really sucks? I'm not on Kookslams,
but this guy right here, he falls off a skim board,
and he shatters his neck and his ankle and his ribs,
and he makes it?
Sure. Come on.
Hey. Whoa. Dude.
Oh, that's not my phone. I found it in these pants, so.
- Ah. - DERS: I know we're hurting, right?
But the best medicine for this kind of pain
is a woman's mouth sucking on your neck.
Trust me. So why don't we just get some molly for those girls we met before
and turn this weekend into a freakend?
You know that I love turning weekends into freakends,
- but all of our money... It's in the ocean. - Yeah.
And the people that owned these pants were super poor
'cause there's no money in my pants.
- Stop. That's the top of my penis. - Do you have any money?
Look, guys, we are on the beach
in the most liberal state in the union.
I'm pretty sure we can find some molly.
- ADAM: Where? - Yeah. Yeah, where?
- (DISTANT PERCUSSION) - Drum circle.
- Oh, okay. - Yeah, I'm saying, like,
- thought you guys heard it. - No.
Adam, you and I, we will create the diversion.
Blake, you stealthily move in, gaffle the molly.
Great call. Great call. That means steal, right?
- Yeah. - Okay, cool, yeah.
Oh, dude, we get to reenact one of our favorite scenes
from our favorite beach movie.
- BOTH: Point Break. - Lilo & Stitch.
Oh, you guys got to re-watch Lilo & Stitch.
That movie's good, dude.
- So, we're doing Point Break. - Point Break.
Hey, everybody!
- Stop drumming. - Shut up your drums. Shut up your drums.
Drum circle dudes and dudettes.
These two are about to fight harsh vibes!
DERS: Yeah, we're gonna fight. Check it out.
Yeah, okay, so,
this is the part where you tell me
that locals rule and yuppie insects like me
don't deserve to surf the break and all that, right?
"Ohana means family.
"And family means never...
"Never giving up"?
I forget, exactly, the quote.
- (BOTH YELLING) - Oh, shit!
(SCREAMING)
Ow! Film this! Why is no one filming this?
- Keep looking! - Dude, stop!
- Ow! - You're gonna ding that board!
That's a beautiful little soft-top, man.
- It looks super shreddable. - (BLAKE LAUGHS)
There she blows!
Uh, not cocaine.
- Thief! - "Poocha chickee, Lilo!"
Drum circle! Let's roll!
Reheat that
Guys, guys, jump on this bike bar.
Hi. Hello. Excuse me.
- Where'd they go? - That way.
- That way? - Yeah.
(BLAKE LAUGHS)
So, who's the lucky gal?
- Oh! - Oh, my God!
You guys are so pretty!
Oh, my God, you guys!
You guys. Guys. Beach Club. Beach Club.
- Beach Club. - Yep. Thank you.
- Have a great one. - Have a wonderful life.
So I called my homeys, said, "Let's roll"
Here. Put this on.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Hey. How's it going?
Hey, psst.
- (WHISPERS) Load up. - What?
Load up. We can pass them out.
- We can be shrimpermen. - "Shrimpermen"?
- Good call. - What are shrimpermen?
"What are shrimpermen"? Dude, shrimpermen.
The waiters that pass out shrimp at fancy establishments
such as this... Shrimpermen.
- You don't know shrimpermen? - Just, that's not a thing.
Act like you've been here.
Hey! Let me get some more.
Come on.
(JAZZY LOUNGE MUSIC PLAYING)
Hello. I'm your shrimperman, Adam.
Enjoy a shrimp cocktail on the house.
One for you, and one for you. Enjoy.
- (WHISPERS) Guys, 5:00. - What? Are you kidding me? It's 5:00?
God damn it. The sun goes down in a, like, half-hour.
No, guys, beach babes are at my 5:00.
BOTH: Oh.
Oh, damn.
Afternoon, ladies.
Sorry, girls.
Can I interest you in a loose handful of shrimp?
Hey, look. It's the volleyball guys.
- It is, yes. - Do you, like, work here now?
Oh, did you replace Boomer after he got fired by Mr. Carosi
for fucking his wife in the bathroom?
I'll take three Long Islands in one bowl with one straw.
- I like that one. - DERS: No, we don't work...
Hey, um, fun fact about shrimp.
They don't have long, muscular necks, but I do.
- Who wants to suck? - What are you doing?
You should suck his neck.
Um, we have molly.
In this bag. Under all this shrimp.
And we want you to come to our place and do it with us.
- Whoa! - Hey!
The fuck are you kooks doing in here dressed like that?
He thinks I'm a kook. You should slam me, right?
Ders, film it. Slam me. Slam that glass over my head.
- Carson, chill out. - Gina, you chill out!
'Cause I am chilled out!
He's not just chill. He's the chillest dude I've ever met.
(BANGING ON WINDOW)
Those kooks stole my man's stash
and brought violence to our perfectly chill drum circle.
Drummers, let's roll!
Uh, wow, 1325 Driftwood Lane.
Yes, and just bring your smiles.
Oh, and chips. Well, we already have ketchup.
- No, bring chips... - Wait!
- (SCREAMS) - I'm not done talking to you guys.
Listen to me, shrimp boy.
I'm not a shrimp boy.
I'm a shrimperman. Shrimp smash!
(YELLS LOUDLY)
(BEATBOXING)
- (GROANING) - They're on us!
- 7:00, brah! - 7:00? What?
Yeah, this watch is broke.
(INTENSE PERCUSSIVE MUSIC)
Go, go, go!
(ALL GRUNTING)
ADAM: Hold, door!
"Hold door. Hodor." (CHUCKLES)
(LAUGHS) Like when...
- GO T. Like, totally. - Yeah.
- Oh, man. Just... Just hold it. - Yeah.
- (EXHALES) - No one's gonna get in or out of this bitch.
- Yeah, except for the chicks. - Except for the chicks.
- Yeah, they can come in. - Yes, I definitely meant...
I meant the chicks can definitely get in.
Or pizza, if we order it later.
Or... Or, like, hot wings, if we order it later.
- Yeah. - I'm hungry.
Adam, nobody gets in here, okay?
If they come in and trash the place, that's our whole paycheck, man.
Okay, no one's gonna trash the place. This place is built strong
as a freaking condominium, all right?
And my upper torso is hella strong as well.
- It's not as solid as you think... - CARSON: Hey!
- Oh. - They came in through the garage.
Stairs, stairs, stairs!
- Give me back my stash, man. - Stairs!
Hey, let go! Let...
(IN SLOW MOTION) Ah! Damn it!
(MELANCHOLY PIANO MUSIC)
Oh, man, we got to find a way out of here.
I cannot die in Crocs.
There's an empty Jacuzzi...
I cannot die in an empty Jacuzzi like my aunts.
DERS: Look, guys, we're gonna be fine, watch this.
BLAKE: They what? ADAM: They all died in empty Jacuzzis.
ALL: Oh-ho-ho!
- Yes! - Nice try!
- Yeah! - You're such a loser!
- Loser! - Guess what?
You're not getting out into the balcony, okay?
- Take your perfect hair, your perfect tan... - ADAM: Yeah. Yeah.
- Perfect bodies... - He's super handsome.
And now we're locked on the balcony.
- What? - Yep. We're locked on the...
Hey, whoa... You made it!
- Oh. You're here! Hi! - You came! You've arrived!
Hey, we're out here, so you should come out here.
Yeah, come on out! Watch the sunset. It's really beautiful.
- Look at this. - Yeah, or just come out.
- DERS: Suck on my neck? - (CHUCKLES)
- Kiss me. - Dane?
- Is that you, bro? - Oh. Carson! Holy shit, bro!
Dude, Dane!
I used to ride zeros with this guy. Dude charges.
Hey, guys, we found molly. Who wants some?
I fucking love drugs!
Drummers, hit a beat!
(DRUMMING)
- My molly. - Can we come in?
Sorry, boys. Show's over.
Wait. No, no. No!
ALL: No!
(BEATBOXING)
WOMAN: Left hand, nipple.
Well, this is absolute torture.
I actually don't mind it.
I grew up listening to my parents have sex a lot,
so the noise is kind of soothing.
- Sure. - Hey, guys.
You know, I know this isn't the beach day we wanted,
- but it's the beach day we got. - Yeah.
Even though we don't have any weed,
I do have a molly.
- All right! - Oh, cool.
- You guys want some? All right, let's split it. - (ALL LAUGHING)
- DERS: Oh, you're taking it? - Why are you putting it in your mouth?
(DISTANT PERCUSSION)
- Yeah. - Okay. Damn it.
Dude...
And you know what's better than smoking weed out of a shell?
Taking a little molly shot out of a shell. (LAUGHS)
Gross.
What the hell... Ugh...
- Shrimperman. - Oh, man.
Yeah, that's really gross.
Whoo! Whoa.
This must be really strong molly
'cause I... I am feeling it already.
- Oh, that is potent. - (BLAKE LAUGHS)
- I'm feeling it. - Oh, I'm feeling it big-time.
Oh, this is kicking in. I'm feeling it, dude.
I just said that. Yeah, I'm feeling it.
I'm feeling it, though.
I'm feeling it so hard.
I'm feeling it more harder than you guys.
(GASPS) Look at the sunset.
It's, like, jumping right out of the clouds at me.
Oh, my God, Blake. I am into that sunset so hard.
- BLAKE: Yeah. - Even probably harder than you guys are.
Yeah, for sure more than me, 'cause it's pretty overcast.
Yeah, it is a little shitty-Iooking, admittedly.
DERS: The only thing that would make it better...
No clouds and a little hickey on my neck,
but, oh, well.
ADAM: Hey.
You want me to give you a hickey, don't you?
No, I don't, but thank you for offering. You're a sweet man.
(WHISPERS) He wants me to give him a hickey, doesn't he?
- I don't. - I'll give you a hickey.
- I don't... - Whoa.
- Just let me... - I don't want...
- I'm good. I'm good. - It doesn't matter!
Stop! Adam! I don't want it!
(YELLING)
Oh, Adam overboard.
(GROANING)
Are you filming? Tell me you got that.
Um, no, I'm actually looking for Pokémon.
(LAUGHS)
I did find Charmander, though.
(CONTINUES GROANING)
- Yes! - Uh...
The ecstasy's kicking in.
Whoo-hoo! I felt that.
(GROANS)
MAN: Nice.
- (SCREAMING) - Just let the current take you!
- (SCREAMS) - Adam! It's an octopus!
An octopus!
- Adam! - Lot of kelp!
- Come on! - (SCREAMS)
(COUGHING)